Thursday, January 15, 2009

Survivor's guilt?

Today was a much better day. I had a much needed visit, which had been set a while ago, with the counselor. I got to get out of the house as a result, and go to lunch with a dear friend as well. When I arrived home, I learned that a US Airlines plane had crashed into the Hudson River shortly after take-off from running into a flock of birds. Fortunately, they have all survived thus far.

My counselor was asking me how I 'feel' about the diagnosis and everything that has happened the last couple of weeks or months regarding my thyroid issues. I ended up repeating how 'lucky' I feel to have such a treatable cancer, but knew there was something else I was feeling that I couldn't articulate. This afternoon's crash made me acutely aware of what it was. I think it's survivor's guilt. In a very strange sort of way, I have an uneasy and guilty feeling about having been blessed to have a cancer that is so treatable. I'm not trying to bring on bad luck, or looking a gift-horse in the mouth, or anything of the sort. I'm thrilled, but I have a heaviness in my heart because not everyone can be so fortunate and I just sometimes can't help but wonder why I deserve such good fortune. I'll take it, for sure...and, with much gratitude.

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